Balut

I saw this on an episode of Survivor when I was eight and tucked it into the back of my mind for a day when this knowledge would finally be useful. Enter balut, a delicacy from the Philippines.

A fertilized duck or chicken egg is allowed to begin to develop into a chick, allowing the embryo to grow a beak and often feathers. Then, it is boiled and the shell cracked open and it is eaten, beak and all, including the soupy embryonic fluid. Are you feeling hungry? I’m not.

I asked one of my Filipino friends about this particular dish for research purposes, and he assured me that the boiling softens the beak so that it only crunches “a little”. There is also a specific way to eat the egg that makes damn sure you see the teeny duckling as a whole. Something about ritualized fetus eating makes me lose my appetite. But can the thousands upon thousands of Filipinos who enjoy this kind of thing be wrong?

Should you eat this? Only if you can stare down the strange aborted bird fetus without flinching.

Have I personally tried this? No.

Available outside of Southeast Asia at some Filipino groceries and restaurants. 

Candwich

Making sandwiches is so difficult! You have to put things in between bread! That takes so much effort! Wouldn’t it be easier if you could just open a can and it be done? Available in either PB&J or BBQ Chicken, the Candwich solves this problem forever!

While I do love made-up words, the Candwich truly repulses me. It takes lazy to a whole new level to send your kid to school with a sandwich that came in a can, which is precisely what this is advertised as being good for. But wait, to sweeten the deal, also in the can is a piece of Laffy Taffy. Practically a complete meal. Conveniently the same size as a soda can, the website says that you can find this at your local Walmart. Of course it would be for sale there.

For full disclosure, I’ve eaten canned bread before. Once upon a time, I was a connoisseur of military MREs (seriously), and the bread in those things would be more than a couple years old. I wouldn’t recommend eating that either. It isn’t the bread that bothers me. It’s the filling. Year old BBQ chicken encased in bread? Yikes.

Should you eat this? You could probably safely eat the PB&J. It’s probably not bad. BBQ Chicken though? Steer clear.

Have I personally tried this? Nope.

Available here, in packs of 4 or 24. It's quite the bargain with 4-packs running you $8.

Corn Smut

Yum, smut taco!

All of the best foods sound vaguely pornographic, right? Take for example corn smut, fungus that grows on corn. It causes the kernels to swell up and turn black as they fill with spores. Attractive image, right? The corn farmers that I know, few though they are, have all told me that corn smut ruins corn. The Mexicans beg to differ, where smut is a delicacy. You’d think if it was actually delicious they would rename it something more attractive. You can find this disease in quesadillas and other dishes all over Mexico.

Cooked or available canned, it looks like the kind of thing that you’d get if you scraped out a chain smoker's lung. However, if you’re in the mood for foods that resemble lumpy coal tar, this may be just the thing.

Should you eat this? Probably not, but you could.

Have I personally tried this? No.

Lobster Potato Chips

Today I have a horror for you that I have actually eaten. Living on the east coast, lobster is not the high-end fancy food that you use to set the scene for important occasions. No, here it is eaten cold as picnic fare. It’s also eaten in potato chip form. Yes, gentle reader, you read that correctly. Lobster potato chips.

I don’t eat seafood normally, but I have tried these in the past and will happily relay my fond memories to you.

The chips come in a double wrapped bag because their odor is so incredibly pungent. They have a distinct rotten fish smell that is enough to turn any sailor’s stomach, and unsurprisingly taste much as you would expect. Salty, fishy, gag-inducing, all in one convenient bag. The good news is that these probably don’t contain actual lobster, as far as I can tell from the label. The bad news is that there is some manufactured compound that tastes like spoiled seafood. I’m glad I wasn’t the tester for that.

Should you eat this? No. Not ever. Not even if you like lobster.

Have I personally tried this? Yes. 

Hákarl

Let me set the stage for you. You’re a Viking, hanging out in Iceland, and you really want to eat some shark. But you want the shark to be special. Maybe you’re giving it to your lady-Viking companion. Whatever the case, just cooking it won’t be good enough. No, let’s really do some crazy stuff to this shark. You bury it for six to twelve weeks, then hang it up in your shark-meat curing shed for some months. Four or five ought to do it. Yeah, now we can eat it. Yum.

People actually enjoy this rotten shark extravaganza. It’s popularly sold all over Iceland. Anthony Bourdain, noted for eating just about anything said that this was the “single worst, most disgusting and terrible tasting thing”. I suppose it’s an acquired taste.

Should you eat this? I guess if you want to after hearing that delightful description of its creation.

Have I personally tried this? Not yet.

Bonus: Watch Gordon Ramsay try to eat this thing here.

All Day Breakfast

I know, sometimes it’s hard to sit down and eat a full breakfast. The answer to all of your solutions is right here! Presenting the All Day Breakfast! As the label says, there are beans, sausages, scotch eggs, mushrooms, and bacon in this tin. That’s right, a full English right there, without having to do any of the work of actual cooking!

I couldn’t find a place to buy this online. Perhaps it’s a sign from God that this isn’t to be unearthed. Presumably you can get it at Safeway.

Should you eat this? Not under any circumstance.

Have I personally tried this? Not yet.

Haggis in a Can

If you would like to eat haggis, I am not judging you. I truly am not. However, I strongly advise that it not come out of a can. Important to note, this is "traditional skinless haggis". I can only imagine how much better it would be with skin.

Available for purchase here at a cost of $25.95 (for two cans!).

Should you eat this? Only if you're Scottish.

Have I personally tried this? Not yet.